a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i was up stairs making sweet love to my mrs when the door rang , my woman been her went to answer it in her dresssing gown while i decided to jump in the shower


when she answered the door my best mate steve was there and been a bit startled at my beautiful mrs . said i give you £200 quid if you undo your dressing gown and show my your gorgeous body.

after a while of humming and arrighning she undid her gown and showed him the treasured beauty that lied beneth.

true to his word he gave her the £200

whilst half way back up the stairs she shouted to me in the shower "it was only steve"

to which i replied "great did he bring that £200 back that i leant him at the last week"

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i should point out steve , altough he is a plumber is not member of this site , wink wink names were changed to protect the inoccent

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was talking to my grandad about the recession and he pipes up with "I think it's going to be like the early 70's all over again, 3 day week and all that".
I said "tell me something I don't know".
He said "you know your nan can take my whole fist up her arse"

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I heard this last Saturday and might use it for the future.

I've twin 16 year old boys and took them out with me a while back.

Next time I go I'll introduce them to the customer:

"This is Nick and Roger. Not their names but what they do on their days off."

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

you cant hold it against ryan giggs for having sexual relations with imogen thomas, because any woman whose name is an anagram of 'a smooth minge' surely has to be worth a dabble

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I got stopped off a copper the other day for doing 32 in a 30 zone, he was a right arrogant sod and I was so angry I threw a bottle of domestos at him.............................. Got done for bleach of the police.

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My dad's not very good at giving advice.

He once said, "If you go to the pub and you think you'll be home at 11, tell your wife you'll be home at 12. That way, it'll be a nice surprise when you get back early."

I tried it that night. I came home an hour early, and found my wife in bed with another man.
...
It was my dad,... the thick :censored:......

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say 'sorry babe. I can't come over tonight. I have to work. I'll see you next week'

After I sent it I read it back and it said 'Susan, I don't see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won't see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sex and both feel horrible the morning after.'

I had bloody predictive text on.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said she's leaving me because I act like a tramp.


I begged her not to go

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked

"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

God was creating Scotland, he said
"Im going to give them stunning mountains, beautiful salmon filled rivers and fabulous clean air''

St Peter said, ''you're being a bit generous to these Scots God''

God replied ''wait and see the neighbours they're getting !!

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Dave shouts downstairs to his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

Granny replies, "sod the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Just tried to book some tickets for an Elvis tribute show on my phone. What a pain in the arse.....You had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I put a large load in the dishwasher last night, as usual, she spat it out

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my Coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't realise I could buy another can in the departure lounge!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was feeling a bit frisky the other night so I aked our lass to toss me off. She started rubbing me nob with a keyring.......... Perhaps it's just me but I felt I was just being fobbed off!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my van and then drove off without paying.
Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase.
I ran out of diesel half a mile down the road

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I said to girlfriend, "Everybody thinks I'm too sarcastic."

She said, "What makes you say that?"

I said, "My mouth."

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My Granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park."

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I hate this time of day.

Halfway between never drinking again and noon

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I failed a job interveiw this morning! apparently a gang bang is not considered to be part of working as a team

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I told a lass in the boozer on Friday "You remind me of my little toe"
She said "Is it cos I'm cute and pink?"
I said "No, it's because I'll be banging you on the coffee table later"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they knew where it was.
They told me she'd left me yesterday!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Emile Heskey found out that his missus had been sleeping with several premiership goalies.

When asked about it he said "I wouldn't put anything past those *******s."

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The X Factor: Putting the turd in Saturday since 2006

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

While out walking with the missus the other day, she stopped, complaining about a stone in her shoe. I told her "You've got 20 stone in the other shoe..... keep walking you fat lump"

 

[Blackcatgas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Adam and Eve had just made love, Eve said to Adam Iam just going to wash myself in the stream, dont do that said Adam, youl make the fish smell of fannys.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.

"Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?",

"No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different', I'm a failure",

"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end"

"Promise?" I sniffed,

"I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.

"Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?",

"No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different', I'm a failure",

"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end"

"Promise?" I sniffed,

"I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin".

I dunno why, but I just spat a mouthful of beer over the dog after reading that!..

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I dunno why, but I just spat a mouthful of beer over the dog after reading that!..

I was drifting off last night and my brother text it me, i was nearly crying!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 12. One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to cha [...] Reveal the rest of this joke How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 12. One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.