a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked

"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

God was creating Scotland, he said
"Im going to give them stunning mountains, beautiful salmon filled rivers and fabulous clean air''

St Peter said, ''you're being a bit generous to these Scots God''

God replied ''wait and see the neighbours they're getting !!

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Dave shouts downstairs to his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

Granny replies, "sod the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Just tried to book some tickets for an Elvis tribute show on my phone. What a pain in the arse.....You had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I put a large load in the dishwasher last night, as usual, she spat it out

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my Coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't realise I could buy another can in the departure lounge!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was feeling a bit frisky the other night so I aked our lass to toss me off. She started rubbing me nob with a keyring.......... Perhaps it's just me but I felt I was just being fobbed off!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my van and then drove off without paying.
Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase.
I ran out of diesel half a mile down the road

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I said to girlfriend, "Everybody thinks I'm too sarcastic."

She said, "What makes you say that?"

I said, "My mouth."

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My Granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran