a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The kids have been going on and on at me for ages about going to Alton Towers, so I thought today was as good a day as any..... They were gutted when I got home!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach, a human hair can hold 3kg, the length of a ***** is three times the length of the thumb, the femur is as hard as concrete, a woman's heart beats faster then a man's, women blink twice as much as men, we use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire sentence..... the mans still lookin at his thumb.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My missus being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I see the price of Oxo cubes and Bovril has shot up again.
The stock market's gone crazy!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I'm up in court next week charged with hitting an african woman in B & Q. Not entirely my fault, me Dad asked me to find a black an decker

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Men have two emotions: Hungry & *****. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer,Then, on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. We might be England, but by heck are we funny!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

When David Beckham scores a goal, I drink 8 pints of Becks, when Paul Scholes scores I drink 8 pints of Skol, when Tommy Miller scores I drink 8 pints of Miller....... thank CHRIST David Seaman played in goal!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

what's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? one is a marsupial and the other is a geordie trapped in a lift

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just found out why wedding dresses are white..... you want the dishwasher to match your other appliances don't you?!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

‎85% of scousers enjoy sex in the shower.........the other 15% haven't been to prison yet

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I can't wait to see ar lasses face light up on her birthday tomorrow mornin.................gettin her a torch

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Someone has just dumped a load of Lego on me front lawn....... don't know wot to make of it!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

British Rail are at it again, the sign said not to stand too close to the edge of the platform or I might get sucked off.............4 hours I wasted at Doncaster station yesterday!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I'm goin to an aerial fitters wedding on sat.... the reception should be good

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I've just tried those new ****** eye drops. Done nowt for me love life but i don't half look hard!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My neighbour came banging on my door at half past three this morning. Half past bleedin three!! Luckily for him I was up practising on me drums!

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I walked into a car showroom last night. I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window." He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window." I said, "You do now."

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

a catholic schoolgirl goes to confession and tells the priest "i'm pregnant"
my child how did this happen? he replied
i think its the 2nd coming she said,
my child what makes you think this?
i swallowed the first she said

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

a nurse walks into a bank after a 20hour shift. she pulls out an anal thermometer and tries to write a cheque with it. she looks at the cashier and says "well thats great, thats really 4king great! some rsehole has got my pen

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed licking a lollipop, then she started slowly sliding it into her *****. I said, "Steady on love, you'll need that to see the kids across the road at school in the morning..!"

 

[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A chain smoker a homosexual and an alchoholic go to the doctors and the doctor says if any one of you indulge one more time you will surely die.
On the way home they pass a bar and the alchoholic runs in. The other two try to stop him but he downs a vodka and drops stone dead on the floor.
As they are looking at him lying there they spot a half cig still burning on the floor.
The homosexual says for fks sake don't pick that up or we're both dead!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I said to my mate, 'I'm sick and tired of my wife taking liberties with my new blu-ray player. I've told her she's not to use it but I came in today and she was watching an Al Pacino film.'

'Scarface?'

'No, just a few kicks in the ribs this time. But if I catch her again....

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

dont believe that at dony station been there a few times and hooked up , one of em lasting 3 years

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



Health and safety gone mad!!


i blame his boss!!!!!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Gonna get one of these!

 

[Blackcatgas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Why has Elton John got choclate on his bottom?, because George Micheal was "careless with his Whisper".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An Amish man decides to take his son into the Big Apple as a treat on his sons 16th birthday. Exiting Grand Central they soon arrive at their Hotel and enter the vast lobby. They notice a large wall with what look like silver doors on it. As they stare, a little grey haired old lady, walking with a stck and bent double with artritis arrives , waits a second and enters the doors as they open. The doors close, then the two Amish notice a series of lights above the door. G , 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 etc Somewhile after, the lights reverse, the doors open and out steps a ravishing blonde, about 25 , lovely figure and legs that go on forever. "Dad", says junior Amish "what's all that about?" "I dunno son, but rush back and get your mother here quick"

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Bloke walking down the street, a brick in each hand, singing away merrily. "Twenty One today, twenty one today."
A Youth approaches the man and asks "You sound happy, is it your birthday?"
At which point, the man smacks him around the ears with the bricks.
"Twenty two today, twenty two today"

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Jim the plumber cruelly left his wife Florence after 30 years of marriage.
The note left on the table simply said "It's over flow"......


ok.. Ill get my coat....

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Ar lass accused me of thinking the world revolves around me! I pointed out that the world actually revolves around the Sun....................Which just happens to shine out of my arse!

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme