Reading the notices on doors when putting out business cards

[WaterTight]

*walk, walk, walk*

Hmm. No cold callers. Am I a cold-caller? No, I'm not really 'calling.' Just posting a card. I mean people use the expression, 'I just called by on the off chance but you weren't in' which implies you can call without entering the house. But perhaps ringing or knocking constitutes the 'call.' Nah, not a cold-caller. A cold-poster maybe.. A cold-leafleter. If they didn't want those they should be more specific. A card for you!

*walk, walk, walk.. where is.. where is the front door? is that the front door? does it have a front door? this is ridiculous, how do they get in? perhaps they live in the garden. oh there it is..*

Hmm. No junk mail. Am I posting junk mail? Nooo, I'm not really. I mean it's unsolicited, true, but so is half of your royal mail post. And surely there are gradients of junk mail. All junk mailers were not created equal. Surely they wouldn't equate me with a be-tracksuited youth noisily posting fistfulls of glossy takeaway menus and double glazing pamphlets through their glorious holes? Small, discreet business cards delivered in person by a local man promoting his own business....Nah, I'm not really a junk mailer. They can't possibly mean me. A card for you!

*walk, walk, walk, JESUS, flipping barking mutt scared the living daylights out of me. just wait a moment for my genitals to re-emerge.....right. the boys are back in the barracks*

Hmm. No canvassers. That's a political thing isn't it? Johnny Blue-Rosette and his views on foreigners. That doesn't apply to me. A card for you!

*walk, walk, walk. garden gates a bit stiff....I'll just ....nearly....arrrghh... flipping....how is it meant....this is actually embarrassing now i'll just...i'll just leave this one....walk, walk, walk....*

Hmm. We do not employ casual tradesmen. Casual? What does that imply? Workmen in tuxedos at all times? Semi-professional probably. Jack of all trades. Cowboy-esque. Well that's not me. No they can't mean me. One card for you!

*walk, walk, walk, up to the front door and...ARGH...he opened it with my hand half way through the letterbox...Hi! Haha, just....delivering....thanks....byeeeee. why now? why at THAT moment. does he just wait by the letterbox for his once daily pleasure of terrifying visitors?*

Hmm. No unsolicited mail of any kind. No unaddressed post. No leaflets, flyers, menus. No uninvited guests. Trespassers will be gassed to the full extent of the mains supply. Vicious packs of freely wandering beasts are guarding the yard and haven't been fed their favourite treat of plumber buttocks for weeks.

That, that applies to me. Ok. No card for you.

 

[Guest123]

Brilliant WT, and so true in every respect. These are also the type of people who complain after you've done a neighbours bathroom, that they never got a card through THEIR door!

 

[Mike Jackson]

I've been out this morning and can also add "where is the f ing letter box" to the list. What is it with some people, do they not want mail? What does the postie do with their letters. I reckon it's some sort of initiative test so I've tried my hardest to make sure they get a card. Some have been wedged in the door frame, others slid under doors and one left under the wiper of the car on the driveway.

 

[mountainman]

How about the letterbox in modern doors, the first flap opens easily but the rear flap needs both hands.
So there you stand, spare leaflets in your teeth while you wrestle with a letterbox made by Bullworker, a casual observer might think your trying to break in rather than deliver a leaflet.

 

[PlumbBobBob]

i know what you mean MM, i hate the brush things in some almost lost my signet ring many times lol

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

I've been out this morning and can also add "where is the f ing letter box" to the list. What is it with some people, do they not want mail? What does the postie do with their letters. I reckon it's some sort of initiative test so I've tried my hardest to make sure they get a card. Some have been wedged in the door frame, others slid under doors and one left under the wiper of the car on the driveway.

i had to drop keys back to a estate agents today,the proposed buyer ****ed me off by keeping me hanging about waiting for the keys then asked me to drop them back because technically he was not supossed to have them,WTF hes buying the dump aint he???anyway despite me asking do they shut for dinner and being told no,i find they are not back open until 3 o clock (who goes on dinner 2-3???) and they have no bloody letterbox so i am now right miffed,i tape a note to the window,i have the keys ,you were not here,you have no letterbox,i am not the postman so wont re deliver your problem travelling the 8 miles from you to get them,ps fit a letterbox

 

[WaterTight]

how does any person, anywhere, exist without a letterbox?

 

[AWheating]

how does any person, anywhere, exist without a letterbox?

**** erectus survival is at stake, without the letterbox were doom'd

What came first? the letter or the letterbox?

 

[armyash]

What a thread

 

[peteheat]

In America they use lealets that hang on the door knob because it is a Federal Offence to put a lealet in the post boxs they use over there, the only people allowed to touch them ar the U.S. Mail employees and the owner.

I had a woman call back to the showroom three times to meet me, last time was by appointment all to complain that a leaflet had been dropped through her letterbox, she had a photo on her phone showing the no junk mail notice.

What could I say?

Well not what I wanted to so I complimented her on her nice front door

 

[WaterTight]

you should have said, 'have you the briefest, faintest, most fleeting, most cursory, most incidental cognicence of just precisely how ****ing short life is? may i ask, are you an immortal? if i were to smite you with an axe and cleve you in twain would you reanimate like some sort of dowdily dressed terminator? on the wild dice toss of a chance that you would not, do you think you will regain the time spent on these past 3 attempts to waste your and my time with this self-indulgent mastabatorial anger-holiday in some sort of rebirth? some sort of buddhist reincarnation? i simply have to ask, to demand, infact, i cannot find the words, there cannot be any words sufficient, there aren't enough splenetic juices in the world to vent. i might have to strangle you to death before this situation is resolved. leave here faster than a bullet does leave a rifle before i unleash the wrath of every satan man hath dreamt upon you and good god woman, LIVE! LIVE! spend not one further moment writhing in any pious self-pleasuring escapade. death has twitched his finger. he is coming for you. rip your signs from your door and invite in life itself with the expectation she will change your heart and astound you. GOOD ****ING DAY."

 

[Rickster123]

Haha w.t you ok tonight mate?! What time did you start on the sauce today?!

 

[kay-jay]

Haha w.t you ok tonight mate?! What time did you start on the sauce today?!

About Wednesday i reckon

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

 

[WaterTight]

there's a line in a book somewhere where i think it's the narrator who says something like 'i was lighting another cigarette. from this point on, unless i say otherwise, i am always lighting another cigarette.'

well on a bank hol weekend, unless i say otherwise i am always opening another beer

 

[peteheat]

you should have said, 'have you the briefest, faintest, most fleeting, most cursory, most incidental cognicence of just precisely how ****ing short life is? may i ask, are you an immortal? if i were to smite you with an axe and cleve you in twain would you reanimate like some sort of dowdily dressed terminator? on the wild dice toss of a chance that you would not, do you think you will regain the time spent on these past 3 attempts to waste your and my time with this self-indulgent mastabatorial anger-holiday in some sort of rebirth? some sort of buddhist reincarnation? i simply have to ask, to demand, infact, i cannot find the words, there cannot be any words sufficient, there aren't enough splenetic juices in the world to vent. i might have to strangle you to death before this situation is resolved. leave here faster than a bullet does leave a rifle before i unleash the wrath of every satan man hath dreamt upon you and good god woman, LIVE! LIVE! spend not one further moment writhing in any pious self-pleasuring escapade. death has twitched his finger. he is coming for you. rip your signs from your door and invite in life itself with the expectation she will change your heart and astound you. GOOD ****ING DAY."

Fantastic, I was imagining her face as my voice rose to a cresendo :laugh3: