a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]The Female Demerit System[/h]

[FONT=&quot]Here is a guide to the points system:

[/FONT]SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)​

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

Excellent!!!! LOL LOL

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold... 3kg. The length of a ***** is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Women are like kfc's ...you start with the breasts,move onto the legs and finally all you're left with is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

God visits a man,and tells him,he must give up smoking ,drinking and sex,in order to get to heaven. The man says he'll give it a try,3 weeks later,God visits the man again,and asks how he's getting on.
"well",says the man,"I've managed to give up the **** and booze,but the other day,the wife was bent over the freezer,and I just had to give her one from behind".
God says,"they don't like that sort of thing in heaven",the man replies,"they weren't too happy about it in Asda either!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I watched superman in reverse last night... it seems to be about a man who flies around the world putting people into perilous situations, and then runs off and hides... What a pr**k

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That special "relationship" between the UK and the USA has just come out of the closet........

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

German dwarf went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage it. It'll be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and both knees and made passionate love to her for 4 hours non stop.
She asked him breathlessly " How did you manage that??"
And he said " Foursprung dwarftechnique".

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Going to bed the other night, i noticed people in my shed stealing things, i phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help, they said they would send someone over as soon as possible,i hung up, a minute later i rang again. "Hello!" i said, "i called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don't have to hurry now, because i've shot them, within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, i thought you said you'd shot them.??

To which i replied, i thought you said there was no one available...!!

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The System3 guide to Animal Welfare.....

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

rofl - major giggle!!! Excellent!!!

 

[mountainman]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

TO THE PUB !!!!!!!!!

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Last one there buys them