R
Resolute
What do you call a gay Teletubby?
Stinky Winky.
Stinky Winky.
Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at PlumbersForums.net
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B
Billy Bob Bob
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer goes a stop sign and gets pulled over by aGlasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the Hell out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
__________________
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer goes a stop sign and gets pulled over by aGlasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the Hell out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
__________________
G
Guest123
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
AFTER THE SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM......
If Scotland decides to vote YES and break away from the United Kingdom, then the remaining countries would be called Formerly United Kingdom or F.U.K for short.
The NO campaign against independence has developed a new slogan, "Vote NO for F.U.K's sake".
AFTER THE SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM......
If Scotland decides to vote YES and break away from the United Kingdom, then the remaining countries would be called Formerly United Kingdom or F.U.K for short.
The NO campaign against independence has developed a new slogan, "Vote NO for F.U.K's sake".
G
Guest123
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
Got home early and the missus was looking hot, we looked at each other and well one thing led to another....
Take off that dress.....
......take off those nice tight pink panties....
.....take off that bra.....
.........take off the suspenders please darling.
So there I stood bollock naked on a cold winters night...
Got home early and the missus was looking hot, we looked at each other and well one thing led to another....
Take off that dress.....
......take off those nice tight pink panties....
.....take off that bra.....
.........take off the suspenders please darling.
So there I stood bollock naked on a cold winters night...
G
Guest123
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
[h=6]A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.
She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.
But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved.
After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level.
The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No, she replied. "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things with people.
All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose.
For the rest of the day he was very careful.
He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was okay.
There was no difference - he looked the same as he always had.
He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went.
He knew that this would be a good day - how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 a.m. sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office.
With her was a younger man.
When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well," she asked. "What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," the bank president replied, "but I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000.00 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.
The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh - him," she replied. "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning I would have the president of Chase Bank by the balls."
[/h]
[h=6]A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.
She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.
But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved.
After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level.
The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No, she replied. "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things with people.
All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose.
For the rest of the day he was very careful.
He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was okay.
There was no difference - he looked the same as he always had.
He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went.
He knew that this would be a good day - how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 a.m. sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office.
With her was a younger man.
When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well," she asked. "What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," the bank president replied, "but I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000.00 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.
The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh - him," she replied. "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning I would have the president of Chase Bank by the balls."
[/h]
R
Resolute
In a sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of a local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason,she get's embarrassed whenever she receives post:
Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
K
kay-jay
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
D
dontknowitall
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
Men:
1. Fine: Use when the woman's right and you want her to shut up.
2. Five minutes: You stud - also time required for men to prepare for a black tie evening out
3. Nothing: What you talk about in the pub
4. Go Ahead: I'd rather drive behind you to protect my rear bumper
5. Loud Sigh: In response to a request for help with clothes shopping or a response to No3, when questioned for the third time about your night out.
6. That's Okay: Expression to use after a full day's work, returned home to finish fixing the car, mending the broken toys, sorted out the house insurance, cooked the meal and washed up afterwards. Frequently used to enjoy No2 later on
7. Thanks: Always polite to use this after No2
8. Whatever: When No2 is refused
9. Don't Worry about it; I got it: Dangerous statement to use unless you've double and tripled checked the shopping against the shopping list
Men:
1. Fine: Use when the woman's right and you want her to shut up.
2. Five minutes: You stud - also time required for men to prepare for a black tie evening out
3. Nothing: What you talk about in the pub
4. Go Ahead: I'd rather drive behind you to protect my rear bumper
5. Loud Sigh: In response to a request for help with clothes shopping or a response to No3, when questioned for the third time about your night out.
6. That's Okay: Expression to use after a full day's work, returned home to finish fixing the car, mending the broken toys, sorted out the house insurance, cooked the meal and washed up afterwards. Frequently used to enjoy No2 later on
7. Thanks: Always polite to use this after No2
8. Whatever: When No2 is refused
9. Don't Worry about it; I got it: Dangerous statement to use unless you've double and tripled checked the shopping against the shopping list
- Messages
- 5,076
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
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G
Guest123
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
The Inequality of the sexes...
The Inequality of the sexes...
P
PlumbBobBob
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
police today raided kermit the frogs lilypad...they found hundreds of naked sick pictures of miss piggy. they say it's the worst case of frogs p orn they've ever seen.
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the very attractive woman.
"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"
Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."
"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. "Then come in."
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.
"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the very attractive woman.
"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"
Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."
"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. "Then come in."
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.
"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."
P
PlumbBobBob
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
never saw that one coming lol. neither did Mr. wilson
never saw that one coming lol. neither did Mr. wilson
B
Barry98
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
My ex wife is suffering from depression
She phoned me the other day and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus,and your not doing anything to help
So I sent her a Timetable
She phoned me the other day and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus,and your not doing anything to help
So I sent her a Timetable
G
Guest123
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour
What the Easter Bunny gets up to in his spare time.....
What the Easter Bunny gets up to in his spare time.....
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