Stupid jokes

[bright spark]

Paddy and Mick are working on a building site. Mick says I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad and get a day off. When d fireman goes by Mick swings from d rafters upside down shouting 'I'm a lightbulb'.
The foreman says 'a Jesus Micks gone mad. You better go home'
then Paddy starts packing up too. The foreman asks 'where ye going Paddy?'
Paddy says 'I may go home, I can't work in d dark'

 

[Rickster123]

Bright spark I always end up reading your posts in an Irish accent in my head!

 

[quality]

did you here about the one where paddy bought a snake ?

 

[bright spark]

Go on?

 

[bright spark]

Paddys on d site. A slate falls off a roof and cuts of his ear. A lad picks it up and says 'is this your ear paddy?
He replies 'no I had a pencil behind my one'

 

[quality]

Paddy, buys a snake and phones his mate mick, Mick Ive bought a snake
Mick, wow how big is it?
Paddy, its F)))ing massive
Mick, how many feet
Paddy, it ant got no feet its a snake di0chead

 

[Rickster123]

mick and paddy are reading headstones near a church. mick turns to paddy and says, " there's a bloke here who was 152!"

paddy asks, "What was his name?"

mick replies, "Miles from London."

 

[Rickster123]

paddy was waiting in the hospital with both feet bandaged up.

"What have you done now, paddy?" asked mick.

"Oh, it's that bloody Tesco's again," he said. "I bought a sponge pudding for my tea and it said 'pierce tin then stand in boiling water for 15 mins.'"

 

[kris]

Paddy walks into Travis Perkins up to the counter and says , " good day young sir I'd like to buy a bag of nails "
The staff member replies how long do u need them ?
Paddy replies that's a stupid question I want to keep them ,,,,,,,,,,

 

[joni os]

Welshman thanked God for giving him such a beautiful country and asked why he had been so richly rewarded. God said it was compensation for having to live next door to the English.

 

[Dotty]

What was the elephant doing on the motorway?







About 4mph......

 

[stevetheplumber]

why have elephants got big ears
noddy wouldnt pay the ransom

 

[turnpin]

Paddy had a boil on his behind......ended up sticking the plaster on the mirror......I'll get me coat..lol regards Turnpin

 

[bright spark]

Did ye hear about the magic tractor?



It turned into a field

 

[bright spark]

mick and paddy are reading headstones near a church. mick turns to paddy and says, " there's a bloke here who was 152!"

paddy asks, "What was his name?"

mick replies, "Miles from London."

Truely terrible, I like it

 

[bright spark]

That's nearly as bad as my magic tractor 1

 

[Dotty]

Kate turned to APPlumbing and said "I hurt in sever al places."
"Stop going to those places." He replied.

 

[Dotty]

Took my dog to the vet to get his nails clipped.
"I'm going" to have to put him down!" The vet said.
"What? Because his nails are too long!"
"No, because he's heavy."

 

[Matty7]

Haha

 

[Matty7]

Haha

 

[bright spark]

A nun gets into a cab and the driver can't stop stating at her.
She asks him what are you staring at?
He says 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.
She answers 'my dear son, you cannot offend me. When you are as old as me, and have been a nun for as long as I have, you get to hear and see just about everything.
I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
'Well' the driver says. ' I've always had a fantasy of a nun performing oral sex on me'
She responds 'let's see what we can do about that'
'You need to be single and catholic'
The driver says he's not married and he's a catholic alright.
The nun says 'ok let's pull into that alleyway'
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when he gets back in the cab he starts crying.
The nun says 'my son why are you so upset?
He says ' I lied, forgive me sister I've sinned I'm married and I'm Jewish!'

The nun says 'that's ok, my names Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.

 

[nicro3]

My new kitten drowned in the washing machine, the vet said " at least it died in comfort"

 

[Masood]

My new kitten drowned in the washing machine, the vet said " at least it died in comfort"

So bad, it's good! You terrible man!

 

[jonnyswamp]

My mate went out with identical blonde twins, with neither twin knowing about the other
I said to him "you lucky ckufer, how fo you tell them apart?"
"easy he said, Kelly has massive tats...











and Mathew has a moustache"

 

[Dotty]

I knew I'd have to shift this to the Arms sooner or later......

 

[newcastle phill]

You probably seen on the news but northumbria police brought a local drug dealer in off the streets for supplying.

When doing a fulll search theu found £1975 in notes rolled up and stuffed in his bum.











He was heard to say he hadnt quite been feeling 2 grand

 

[Rickster123]

You probably seen on the news but northumbria police brought a local drug dealer in off the streets for supplying.

When doing a fulll search theu found £1975 in notes rolled up and stuffed in his bum.











He was heard to say he hadnt quite been feeling 2 grand

Pah hahaha!

 

[Paulplumb]

A bloke went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf growing out of his bum.

The doctor said it was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

[bright spark]

Hughey rings his boss and says 'I'm sorry I won't be in today, I'm really sick. I have a headache, a sore stomach, a bad back and my leg really hurts'
The boss days 'listen I really need you in here today, we're up to our necks in work.
'When I feel sick like you Hughey, I got to my wife and ask for sex. It makes me feel better and I'm able to go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later, Hughey calls the boss again and says 'you were right boss I feel a lot better after that, I'll be in work shortly. By the way you have a lovely house!

 

[JCplumb]

After finding a new tomb in a half buried pyramid in Egypt, scientists performed a DNA analysis on the remains in the carsophagus and discovered that the body had been covered with chocolate and hazelnuts.
Experts believe this is the tomb of Pharoah Rocher.

 

[SimonG]

What do you call a judge with no fingers?




Justice Thumbs.

 

[newcastle phill]

Where does kylie minogue buy her kebabs......

Jasons donner van

 

[Ray Stafford]

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?


Where you left it!

 

[missplumb]

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road when a prostitute walks upto paddy and says "do you want to go to bed with me for 40 quid"
Paddy replied "well i'm not really tired but could do with the money!"

 

[turnpin]

Paddy finds a sandwich with wires coming out of it connected to a clock and a battery so he phones the police and tells them ...the officer on the end of the line asks Paddy "is it ticking"....Paddy thinks for a moment and replies "it look's like beef to me......lol regards Turnpin

 

[bright spark]

Here's 1 from a rugger players book from a tour of Sth Africa. Two of d players were walking down d street after a fill of drink. 1 lad was a bit shy, the other was full of himself. The bulk**** artist approached a lady of d night and said 'hello, I'm going to give you something you've never had before'
The girl beckoned her co worker and said 'hey Mary hers 1 with leperacy!

 

[mfgs]

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field

 

[Rickster123]

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

 

[missplumb]

paddy and mick are sat watching the 10 oclock news, mick says to paddy "i bet you £50 this bloke jumps off the building and kills himself". paddy takes the bet.
later in the pub, paddy gives mick his £50. Mick says " its ok paddy, i saw it on the 6 o clock news earlier", to which Paddy replies " well so did i, but i didnt think he'd do it again!!"