a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

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Barry98

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]The Female Demerit System[/h]
[FONT=&quot]Here is a guide to the points system:

[/FONT]SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

Excellent!!!! LOL LOL
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold... 3kg. The length of a ***** is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Women are like kfc's ...you start with the breasts,move onto the legs and finally all you're left with is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

God visits a man,and tells him,he must give up smoking ,drinking and sex,in order to get to heaven. The man says he'll give it a try,3 weeks later,God visits the man again,and asks how he's getting on.
"well",says the man,"I've managed to give up the **** and booze,but the other day,the wife was bent over the freezer,and I just had to give her one from behind".
God says,"they don't like that sort of thing in heaven",the man replies,"they weren't too happy about it in Asda either!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I watched superman in reverse last night... it seems to be about a man who flies around the world putting people into perilous situations, and then runs off and hides... What a pr**k
getmecoat.gif
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.

I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That special "relationship" between the UK and the USA has just come out of the closet........

Cameron and Obama.jpg
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

German dwarf went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage it. It'll be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and both knees and made passionate love to her for 4 hours non stop.
She asked him breathlessly " How did you manage that??"
And he said " Foursprung dwarftechnique".
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Going to bed the other night, i noticed people in my shed stealing things, i phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help, they said they would send someone over as soon as possible,i hung up, a minute later i rang again. "Hello!" i said, "i called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don't have to hurry now, because i've shot them, within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, i thought you said you'd shot them.??

To which i replied, i thought you said there was no one available...!!
 
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Last one there buys them
 

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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i've just been e-mailed my 'new experiences policy'

'you've heard it before, thrice. this cover is designed for the gentleman who has heard absolutely everything that his wife has ever done, over and over again. new experience cover breathes life back into your conversations by paying for your wife to enjoy new and fulfilling adventures, such as a plane crash in the andes.'

love it!

other policies are **** funny too
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A bloke walks into a bar
with a pet crocodile by his
side.

He puts the crocodile
up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished
patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's
mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my bits
unscratched.

In return for witnessing
this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a
drink".

The crowd murmured their
approval.
The man stood up
on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials
and related parts in the
crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard
on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his
genitals unscratched as
promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again
and made another offer....
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while,
a hand went up in the
back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
spoke up...
"I'll try it - Just don't
hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!"​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Injury lawyers 4u are s**t . When our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take a picture of her gash. Guess who's in court tomorrow.
 
They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning. That's why I always send the wife.

Win-Win.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Them cheeky buggers at census , sent my Census form back!! In answer to one question, 'Do you have any dependants your paying for?', I put, 'MP's, , Asylum seekers, gypos, druggies, paedophilles, prisoner's, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS. Greece. portugal. and half of bloody Eastern Europe....!!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Don't let the kiddies loose at a funeral.....
 

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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wonder how long before wifey realizes i have messed with the stupid stick/ball/thing display she has in the lounge
 

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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

gas man said:
wonder how long before wifey realizes i have messed with the stupid stick/ball/thing display she has in the lounge
Click to expand...

Pmsl how childish! Made me laugh straight away!
 
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