Quick clean joke 4 u.!!!

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Quick clean joke 4 u.!!!

Discuss Quick clean joke 4 u.!!! in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at PlumbersForums.net

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hiretools

I walked past a mental hospital today and heard people shouting 13 13 13 13. So I went to have a look but the fence was too high, So I found a gap in the fence and peeked through. Some git poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting 14 14 14 14.:D:D:D
 
that joke should be banned for being to corny and not dirty enough:):):)its about time this forum had a humour corner what do the mods and admin think?
 
fire away your jokes, keep them swear word less and no heavy taking the mick of ethnic minorities.
 
Hmmm - wonder if this one will be banned?

What do you call an honest Iranian businessman?
Asif
 
Gas Engineer knocks on door to carry out a gas service of property.
Young boy answers the door, dressed in his mums stockings and suspenders, wearing lipstick and smoking a joint.
Gas Engineer says "Is your mum or dad in"
Young boy answers "Does it *****ing look like it.
 
small boy playing by a fire station,he is on a gambo he has painted red with fire painted on the side,he is being pulled along by his pet dog,the firemen notice this and one pipes up"sonny"why have you tied the rope from your fire engine to the dogs privates? he would pull it better if you tied it to his neck,the young lad replies i know!but then i would not have a siren!!!

1. zen teachings
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just naff orff and leave me alone.
2.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.
No one is listening until you trump.
4.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10.
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
13.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, get slapped on our behind ... then things just keep getting worse.
20.
Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.
_not mine i nicked it from another site but funny ______________

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Do you have a better answer ?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 
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did you know it can be beneficial to hire dyslexic staff? i found this out yesterday when i sent my secretary a email asking her to "sack my cook"
 
plumber walks into a pet shop and says Id like to by a pet wasp please pet shop owner says sorry we dont sell wasps plumber says well you.ve got one in the window......!:) the old ones are still the best..turnpin
 
Can't remember the exact wording ....

A person was arrested for tresspassing the England football dressing room. 23 others were questioned for impersonating a footballer.
 
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.I'm easily lead.

News : 'British Man Plunges To Death In Ibiza'.That toilet must have been seriously blocked.
 
man shipwrecked for 20 years is sitting on the beach when all of a sudden a voluptuous blond steps out of the water and approaches him HI she says been here long about 20 years he replies she says bet you haven`t had a smoke for a long time unzips a pocket on her wet suit and pulls out 20 **** there he sits *** in each hand puffing away she then says I suppose you haven`t had a drop of the hard stuff for a long time unzips another pocket on her wet suit and hands him a hip flask of brandy there he sits swigging from the flask smoking like a train when she then starts to pull down the main zip on her wet suit and says I suppose you haven`t played around for a long time either to which he replies dont tell me youv`e got a set of golf clubs in there:D:D:)regards turnpin
 
"Warmfront Installs "always makes me pee my pants when i see one.:D
 
This is the actual radio conversation (released by the chief of naval operations) of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
CANADIANS: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision"
AMERICANS: "Recommend YOU divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision"
CANADIANS: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision"
AMERICANS: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course"
CANADIANS: "No, I say again, you divert your course"
AMERICANS: "This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship"






CANADIANS: "This is a LIGHTHOUSE. Your call"
 
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2 jewish men go to the ticket offfice at man utd,they ask for next seasons , season tickets

the woman behind the counter asks are you gentlemen jews ?

they both reply why yes we are

the woman replies sorry i cannot give you any tickets

they both ask the lady why

wait for it

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

because you have to be a complete knob to support man utd


bom bom
 
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the youngster, they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
This they did. "Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing."
The task was completed.

"Now we eat everybody." This they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just go in and eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Much tastier with the sh,t out them!"
 
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ok heres my joke,


little johnny asks his dad the difference between potentiality and reality. dad says go and ask your mother, brother and sister if they would sleep with brad pitt for a million pounds and see if that helps you out.

little johnny asks his mum and she replies 'of course..theres so much i could do to the house with that kind of money and put all you kids through university'

johnny asks his sister and she says ' well derr! he's gorgeous and i'd definately sleep with him'

johnny asks his brother who replies ' wow! do you know how many fast cars i could buy with that kind of cash? i think i probably would'

2 days later dad asks johnny if he figured out the differences to which johnny replied 'yeah! potentially you and i are sitting on 3 million pounds but the reality is we live with with two ****s and a queer' :eek:



KJ
 
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Nicola was a depressed young woman. She was so desperate that one day, she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the River Thames.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When Nicola arrives at the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. He said to her, "Look, You've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]That night, the sailor brought Nicola aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Three weeks later, during a routine ship-wide search, Nicola was discovered and taken to the Captain.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked her.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," Nicola explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and in return, I’m making love to him."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Lady," said the Captain, "You’ve made a big mistake – this ship never leaves the Thames, this is the Woolwich Ferry!"[/FONT]
 
gas man ive stsrted the day laughing love the jokes,especially the court cases
bob
 
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I have not been in a long time” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let her go she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets and not enough places to sit down!” Problem solved…I bought her an electric chair.

Remember…statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 years. I don’t like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust”.

In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Since He created woman, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
 
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Tommy Cooper had the best jokes!

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excirment of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.
 
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

"I was nearly a step-child,
my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....
 
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[video=youtube;Vz8AuKmItwM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz8AuKmItwM&feature=channel[/video]
 
I am not saying Coleen Rooney is thick but when she heard Wayne had paid 1200 quid for an escourt she asked him if it was taxed and MOT'd
 
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