M
Masood
Mother Nature at her very best...
- Thread starter Barry98
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- monday
Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at PlumbersForums.net
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https://www.************/SpoonLikes...86764.371642746246468/719917718085634/?type=1
- Messages
- 10,617
https://www.************/6541300679...41827.654130067974832/665558416831997/?type=1
M
Masood
M
Masood
M
Masood
K
kay-jay
- Messages
- 5,493
An old boy is fitted with hearing aids that give him 100%hearing doc says come back in a month for a final check ...he pops back a month later and the doc asks how he's getting on with the new kit...great he says ...doc says I bet the family are all glad you can join in with the conversation ...no he says I just sat there and didn't tell em...and I've had to change my will three times so far !! regards Turnpin:wheelchair:
- Messages
- 967
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the **** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!
B
Barry98
Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
B
Barry98
Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
J
julesverne
The inventor of predictive text has just died.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
- Messages
- 5,493
A man is walking down the road when he hears a voice shout stop ..he stops and a brick falls two steps in front of him ..he looks round but cannot see anyone he continues on his way when he is about to cross the road he hears stop and a car screams around the corner and would have hit him if he had not heeded the warning...where are you ...who are you he sees nothing but a voice calls out I am your guardian angel do not fear I have always been here to protect and look after you......to which he replied where the fcuk were you when I got married.....regards Turnpin:smile5:
R
Rickster123
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****’s blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and come is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I ****ing wrote it !!!'
****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****’s blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and come is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I ****ing wrote it !!!'
R
Rickster123
I just got a job playing the triangle in a Jamaican reggae band.
I just stand and the back and ting.
I just stand and the back and ting.
R
Rickster123
I had to go to the doctors to get a prostate examination. The doctor leaned me over the couch, put his gloved finger in the appropriate place, then told me that the procedure can sometimes cause an erection. I told him quite firmly that I didn't have one.
Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, ''No, but I have''
Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, ''No, but I have''
M
Masood
An English Cat and a French cat were always trying to beat each other.
The English cat was called 'One two three', and the French cat was called 'Un deux trois'
So they decided to have a swimming race across the channel.
Inevitably, the English cat won because Un deux trois cat sank...
The English cat was called 'One two three', and the French cat was called 'Un deux trois'
So they decided to have a swimming race across the channel.
Inevitably, the English cat won because Un deux trois cat sank...
M
Masood
Why do French people only eat one egg at a time?
Because one egg is un oeuf...
Because one egg is un oeuf...
B
Barry98
Get ya coat
B
Barry98
- Messages
- 683
only the educated amongst us would get it.. un oeuf is un oeuf..brum
Last edited:
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- 5,073
Lets me off the hook then !
I wouldn't mind but "un oeuf" aint even in English dictionary, I checked.
K
kay-jay
B
Barry98
Would you fit one
E
Ermintrude
K
kay-jay
K
kay-jay
Two electricians were walking to the bike shed when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second electrician replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The second electrician replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
E
Ermintrude
Really sad.....
My old apprentice is joining heat team ....
Is he fleck
My old apprentice is joining heat team ....
Is he fleck
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- 10,617
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
- Messages
- 683
I rest my case ..brum
R
Rickster123
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
- Messages
- 5,073
R
Rickster123
Having the nickname 'Horse' is a sure fire way of getting birds back to mine.
They quickly lose interest however when I stop halfway to have a **** in the middle of the road.
They quickly lose interest however when I stop halfway to have a **** in the middle of the road.
- Messages
- 10,617
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
B
Billy Bob Bob
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red..
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red..
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!
B
Billy Bob Bob
So much truth in this!
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!
In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.
Happy Now?
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it. You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the pig from HELL!
—————————————————————————
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
Credits: Orphaned Work, Sfglobe and Poznyakov via Shutterstock
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!
In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.
Happy Now?
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
—————————————————————————
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it. You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the pig from HELL!
—————————————————————————
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
Credits: Orphaned Work, Sfglobe and Poznyakov via Shutterstock
- Messages
- 10,617
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's the money?"
Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's the money?"
Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
B
Billy Bob Bob
During a commercial airline flight an off duty pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breastfeeding the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that a paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been sucking barley sugars."
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breastfeeding the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that a paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been sucking barley sugars."
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Driving home for Christmas on the Road to Hell.
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