a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"

 

[SimonG]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "At school dad".
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at a mates!".
"What dvd?"
"Toy Story"
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a ****o"
"What! When I was your age I didn'y know what a ****o was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mum!

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Called the wife to tell he I had chopped me finger off.

She replied what the whole finger

I said no the one next to it

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that needs more work quality mate lol

 

[SimonG]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Bob the builder walks up to a beautiful girl in the night club and says "I've got an eight inch dick and i can shag all night"
After a couple of drinks she takes him home with her.
The next morning she says to him " You told me that you had an eight inch dick and could shag all night. You've got a five inch dick and only lasted 3 minutes"
Bob looks up at her and says "I'm a builder love.................that was just an estimate."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies,







"It's me.............talking to the beer."

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that needs more work quality mate lol

I am from yorkshire thats as good as it gets

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Was out on Saturday night when I got chatting to a nice looking older woman, She was probably about 50 but was in great shape and looked after herself. In the taxi on the way back to hers, she asked me 'Do you fancy a sportsmans double' I said 'Whats that?' She said 'Its a mother and daughter threesome!' I said 'I'm up for that love' So we gets back to her house, she opens the stairs door and shouts 'Mother, you still awake?!......

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

so am i , huddersfield and as a fellow yorkshiremen a , thats poor fella lol

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said, "A pair of my knickers have disappeared from the washing line"
I said, "I saw that bloke from number 12 taking them"
She said, "What? Why would he do that?"
I said, "I don't know .... maybe he needed to repair a hot-air balloon"

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

getting better fella , just lol

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want
you to get me is a Face lift and a Boob job" said my wife as I was checking my ticket.

"Well actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo" I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one" she said.

"My point exactly"

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An alien couple come down to earth and go to a swingers party.

They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms. The alian man takes off his clothes revealing a one inch cock

The human woman says "I'm not impressed with this at all"

The alien then twists his right ear and and his cock grows ten inches.

"Now I am impressed!" says the women

The alien then twists his left ear and his cock becomes 2 inches thick and he gives the women the best seeing to she has ever had.

Afterwards she meets up with her husband and asks "How was it for you darling?"

"****ing ****e" he replied "All she did was keep twisting my ears!"

 

[SimonG]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Today I feel like a tampon.............in a good place....................... at the wrong time!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Women are just like computers.

You don't realise how important they are until they go down on you

 

[Blackcatgas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A delivery man knocks on nelson mandellas door,
Hello Ive got 500 brake pads for you, sign here,
500 brake pads there must be some mistake?
Your names on the ticket mate ,sign here.
the next day the delivery man calls again, hello Ive got 100 air filters for you,
100 air filters, I havent orderd those?,
well your names down on the delivery address mate,
hmmm.. ok then,
the next day the delivery man calls again,
hello mate Ive got 200 tyres for you,
Nelsons getting ****ed of by now and is running out of places to store the unwanted bits......
Look mate I havent orderd any of these things...
Well your names on this clip board mate,
Nelson takes the clip board.... That doesnt say Nelson Mandella!, that says Nissan Main Dealer.

LOL

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was driving this morning when I passed an AA van parked by the road. I saw the driver sat on the kerb with his head in his hands crying and shaking his head and thought he's heading for a breakdown.

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her "Im going to have you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to my place" "Wow" she said,"Lets go, its good to find a man with such stamina!" She wasnt impressed when we arrived at my caravan

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her "Im going to have you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to my place" "Wow" she said,"Lets go, its good to find a man with such stamina!" She wasnt impressed when we arrived at my caravan

pmsfl

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

pmsfl-please explain it mate ?pardon me

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

sorry SGI forum rules prevent pm me your mobile number and ill text you back
P my self F laughing

fill in the p and the f or ask a teenager

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

... or ask a teenager

Heehee!

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa got it cheers mate sorry I am quiet fresh from the boat

 

[capitanpugwash]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a sh*t."

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I had to give our lass a black eye last night..... 6 quid for a bottle of drain unblocker and there she was just pouring it down the (Insert your own expletive so as not to upset the moderators) sink!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I am hosting a fundraiser for people with ejaculation problems next week. Don't worry if you can't come.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day is he?

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Just seen an advert in the local paper ' 50" LCD TV, volume stuck on full, £15'. I thought I cant turn that down!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Told ar lass I was feeling a bit frisky the other day so she started rubbing my knob with her key ring.......................to be honest I felt she was just fobbing me off!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Went to the doctors the other day and he told me i had chlamidya, gonnhorhea and onomatopoeia. I asked him "What the hell is onomatopoeia?" He said "Its exactly what it sounds like"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Went to a fancy dress party at the weekend dressed as a loaf of bread...........The birds were all over me!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Ar lass has been missing a week now. The Police have told me to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My racing snail wasn't winning races anymore so i took his shell off thinking it would reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic............. hasn't worked though, if anything it's made him more sluggish

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "****".
Yet if a guy does it...he's considered a "homosexual".

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The kids have been going on and on at me for ages about going to Alton Towers, so I thought today was as good a day as any..... They were gutted when I got home!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach, a human hair can hold 3kg, the length of a ***** is three times the length of the thumb, the femur is as hard as concrete, a woman's heart beats faster then a man's, women blink twice as much as men, we use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire sentence..... the mans still lookin at his thumb.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My missus being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I see the price of Oxo cubes and Bovril has shot up again.
The stock market's gone crazy!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I'm up in court next week charged with hitting an african woman in B & Q. Not entirely my fault, me Dad asked me to find a black an decker

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Men have two emotions: Hungry & *****. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer,Then, on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. We might be England, but by heck are we funny!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

When David Beckham scores a goal, I drink 8 pints of Becks, when Paul Scholes scores I drink 8 pints of Skol, when Tommy Miller scores I drink 8 pints of Miller....... thank CHRIST David Seaman played in goal!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

what's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? one is a marsupial and the other is a geordie trapped in a lift

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just found out why wedding dresses are white..... you want the dishwasher to match your other appliances don't you?!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

‎85% of scousers enjoy sex in the shower.........the other 15% haven't been to prison yet

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I can't wait to see ar lasses face light up on her birthday tomorrow mornin.................gettin her a torch

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Someone has just dumped a load of Lego on me front lawn....... don't know wot to make of it!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

British Rail are at it again, the sign said not to stand too close to the edge of the platform or I might get sucked off.............4 hours I wasted at Doncaster station yesterday!