a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Masood]

Hahahaha!

 

[jordand]

Customer fitted tank in loft himself and asked me to fix his leak.

 

[lame plumber]

I think this ideal way of staying safe.
SAFE AT HOME AT LAST
I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered
from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front
garden, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, ASIO, ASIS and the other
intelligence services are all watching my house
24/7.
I've never felt safer.



My wife asked me what I was doing on
the computer last night
I explained to her I was looking for
cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then
she got all excited, quickly undressed and
we had the most amazing night ever......
Which is odd because she's never shown
.
.
.
an interest in darts before!

 

[Masood]

Talent!

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x27uk2b_sara-x-bouge-ses-seins-sur-du-mozart_fun

 

[PlumbBobBob]

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

 

[Toxic Ted]

A fly flew into the room today then exploded........turns out it was a jihadilonglegs.

 

[Masood]

 

[Masood]

I'm going to have T-shirts printed up with this on:

 

[mike-c]

[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3bf_1413909333[/video]

 

[rpm]

[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3bf_1413909333[/video]

Mental!
Also watched the one with the little Black hatchback pulling the wall down, equally mental.

 

[Masood]

Mother Nature at her very best...

 

[Best]

Edited

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​

 

[stevetheplumber]

https://www.************/SpoonLikes...86764.371642746246468/719917718085634/?type=1

 

[stevetheplumber]

https://www.************/6541300679...41827.654130067974832/665558416831997/?type=1

 

[Masood]

 

[Masood]

 

[Masood]

 

[CES]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

26 Wildly Inappropriate Christmas Gifts For Children | The Poke

 

[turnpin]

A guy bursts into a packed pub with a gun and screamed out right who's the dirty b'stard who 's slept with my wife....a voice from the back of the crowd say's you ain't got enough bullets in that gun mate.....lol regards Turnpin:hand:

 

[turnpin]

An old boy is fitted with hearing aids that give him 100%hearing doc says come back in a month for a final check ...he pops back a month later and the doc asks how he's getting on with the new kit...great he says ...doc says I bet the family are all glad you can join in with the conversation ...no he says I just sat there and didn't tell em...and I've had to change my will three times so far !! regards Turnpin:wheelchair:

 

[leelister6]

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the **** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!

 

[turnpin]

Two old boys approach each other in the street both dragging their right foot behind them....Korea 51 says one pointing at his bad foot....Dog s**t 20 yards back there replies the other regards Turnpin:smile5:

 

[Barry98]

Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.

"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"

 

[Barry98]

Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.

"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"

 

[julesverne]

The inventor of predictive text has just died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

 

[rpm]

Brilliant Jules, a real lol moment here

 

[turnpin]

A man is walking down the road when he hears a voice shout stop ..he stops and a brick falls two steps in front of him ..he looks round but cannot see anyone he continues on his way when he is about to cross the road he hears stop and a car screams around the corner and would have hit him if he had not heeded the warning...where are you ...who are you he sees nothing but a voice calls out I am your guardian angel do not fear I have always been here to protect and look after you......to which he replied where the fcuk were you when I got married.....regards Turnpin:smile5:

 

[Rickster123]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.


****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.


'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.


The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says


'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'


The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'


'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****’s blind...'


'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'


'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.


'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'


'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'


'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".


'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'


'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.


On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.


The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.


During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.


Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.


After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.


'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.


She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and come is dribbling onto your shoes?'


'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,


'I ****ing wrote it !!!'

 

[Rickster123]

I just got a job playing the triangle in a Jamaican reggae band.


I just stand and the back and ting.

 

[Rickster123]

I had to go to the doctors to get a prostate examination. The doctor leaned me over the couch, put his gloved finger in the appropriate place, then told me that the procedure can sometimes cause an erection. I told him quite firmly that I didn't have one.
Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, ''No, but I have''

 

[Masood]

An English Cat and a French cat were always trying to beat each other.
The English cat was called 'One two three', and the French cat was called 'Un deux trois'
So they decided to have a swimming race across the channel.


Inevitably, the English cat won because Un deux trois cat sank...

 

[Masood]

Why do French people only eat one egg at a time?

Because one egg is un oeuf...

 

[Barry98]

Get ya coat