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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

dear dedrie ,

i was stood at my bedroom window last night when i become aroused by my next door neighbour bating topless , i was so turned on i did decided to ********** , just as i was ready i turned round and noticed my wife stood in the door way watching me.

do you think shes a pervert ?
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

WAS IT A CAR OR A CAT I SAW.. 'WASITACARORACATISAW'.. This is the only English sentence which even if we read in reverse, it'll give the same
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

WAS IT A CAR OR A CAT I SAW.. 'WASITACARORACATISAW'.. This is the only English sentence which even if we read in reverse, it'll give the same

you mean the only one apart from all the others :smilewinkgrin:

Sore was I ere I saw Eros.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama
Never a foot too far, even.
Euston saw I was not Sue.
Live on evasions? No, I save no evil.
Red Roses run no risk, sir, on nurses order.
Salisbury moor, sir, is roomy. Rub Silas.
Marge, let's "went." I await news telegram.
A new order began, a more Roman age bred Rowena.
I, man, am regal; a German am I.
Tracy, no panic in a pony-cart.
Egad! Loretta has Adams as mad as a hatter. Old age!
Eve, mad Adam, Eve!
Resume so pacific a pose, muser.
Marge let a moody baby doom a telegram.
Tenet C is a basis, a basic tenet.
Nella's simple hymn: "I attain my help, Miss Allen."
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Sir, I demand, I am a maid named Iris.
Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.
Tessa's in Italy, Latin is asset.
Noel sees Leon.
No, it can assess an action.
Bob: "Did Anna peep?" Anna: "Did Bob?"
Sex at noon taxes.
Egad, a base life defiles a bad age.
"Stop!" nine myriad murmur. "Put up rum, rum, dairymen, in pots."
Delia, here we nine were hailed.
Not I, no hotel, cycle to Honiton.
Anne, I vote more cars race Rome-to-Vienna.
Mother Eve's noose we soon sever, eh, Tom?
"Sue," Tom smiles, "Selim smote us."
Telegram, Margelet!
Too hot to hoot.
Unglad, I tar a tidal gnu.
Eve damned Eden, mad Eve.
Snug Satraps eye Sparta's guns.
Nurse, save rare vases, run!
Draw, O Caesar, erase a coward.
No mists or frost, Simon.
Sail on, game vassal! Lacy callas save magnolias!
Trap a rat! Stare, piper, at Star apart.
Sue, dice, do, to decide us.
La, Mr. O'Neill, lie normal.
Top step -- Sara's pet spot.
Eel-fodder, stack-cats red do flee.
Reg, no lone car won, now race no longer.
Zeus was deified, saw Suez.
Evil is a name of a foeman, as I live.
No waste, grab a bar, get saw on.
"Degenerate Moslem, a cad!" Eva saved a camel so Meta reneged.
Was it felt? I had a hit left, I saw.
Won't I repaper? Repaper it now.
Too far, Edna, wander afoot.
Stella won no wallets.
"Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod.
Nurse, I spy gypsies, run!
Draw pupil's pup's lip upward.
Lewd did I live, and, Edna, evil I did dwel.
"Sirrah! Deliver deified desserts detartrated!" stressed deified, reviled Harris.
All erotic, I lose my lyme solicitor, Ella.
No, is Ivy's order a red rosy vision?
No word, no bond, row on.
On tub, Edward imitated a cadet; a timid raw debut, no?
Tense, I snap Sharon roses, or Norah's pansies net.
"Deliver desserts," demanded Nemesis, "emended, named, stressed, reviled."
No, it is opposed; Art sees Trade's opposition.
"Knight, I ask nary rank," saith gink.
Moors dine, nip -- in Enid's room.
"Ma," Jerome raps pot top, "spare more jam!"
Live not on evil deed, live not on evil.
Sir, I'm Iris!
Now do I repay a period won.
A rod, not a bar, a baton, Dora.
Now saw ye no mosses or foam, or aroma of roses. So money was won.
Amiced was I ere I saw Decima.
"Pooh," smiles Eva, "have Selim's hoop."
No, set a maple here, help a mate, son.
A war at Tarawa!
Some men interpret nine memos.
Delia sailed as sad Elias ailed.
Ned, I am a maiden.
Dennis sinned.
Remit Rome cargo to go to Grace Mortimer.
Did Dean aid Diana? Ed did.
I told Edna how to get a mate: "Go two-handed." Loti.
Sire, was I ere I saw Eris?
Now Eve, we're here, we've won.
"Suit no regrets." A motto, Master Gerontius.
Eve, man, am Eve!
Slap-dab set-up, Mistress Ann asserts, imputes bad pals.
Tuna nut.
Saladin enrobes a baroness, Senora, base-born Enid, alas.
Deny me not; atone, my Ned.
Roy Ames, I was a wise mayor.
Wonders in Italy, Latin is "Red" now.
'Tis Ivan on a visit.
Did Ione take Kate? No, I did.
Solo gigolos.
No, it is open on one position.
He Goddam Mad Dog, Eh?
Ned, go gag Ogden.
Draw no dray a yard onward.
"Revolt, love!" raved Eva. "Revolt, lover!"
Enid and Edna dine.
Anne, I stay a day at Sienna.
Senile felines.
Max, I stay away at six A.M.
Ere hypocrisies or poses are in, my hymn I erase. So prose I, sir, copy here.
St. Simon sees no mists.
Draw, O coward!
Top step's pup's pet spot.
Noel, did I not rub Burton? I did, Leon.
Puss, a legacy! Rat in a snug, unsanitary cage, lass, up!
Rise to vote, Sir.
Noel saw I was Leon.
Now, sir, a war is won!
Ha! Robed Selim smiles, Deborah!
Degas, are we not drawn onward, we freer few, drawn onward to new eras aged?
Now ere we nine were held idle here, we nine were won.
Yo! Bottoms up, U.S. Motto, boy!
Nor I nor Emma had level'd a hammer on iron.
Al lets Della call Ed, Stella.
No Dot nor Ottawa, "legal age" law at Toronto, Don.
Yes, Mark, cable to hotel, "Back Ramsey."
Was it a bar or a bat I saw?
Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.
Analytic Paget saw an inn in a waste-gap city, Lana.
Was raw tap ale not a reviver at one lap at Warsaw?
Live on, Time; emit no evil.
"Not for Cecil?" asks Alice Crofton.
Ban campus motto, "Bottoms up, MacNab."
So may Apollo pay Amos.
Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.
Arden saw I was Nedra.
Won't lovers revolt now?
Do not start at rats to nod.
Ha! On, on, o Noah!
Norah's foes order red rose of Sharon.
I made border bard's drowsy swords; drab, red-robed am I.
Emil, asleep, Hannah peels a lime.
Set a broom on no moor, Bates.
Ten dip a rapid net.
O render gnostic illicit song, red Nero.
Are we not drawn onwards, we Jews, drawn onward to new era?
Mother at song no star, eh Tom?
I maim nine men in Saginaw; wan, I gas nine men in Miami.
So may get Arts award. Draw a strategy, Amos.
Nella, demand a lad named Allen.
Yes, Syd, Owen saved Eva's new Odyssey.
"Now dine," said I as Enid won.
Lepers repel.
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Draw -- aye, no melody -- dole-money award.
Mirth, sir, a gay asset? No, don't essay a garish trim.
See few owe fees.
Stressed was I ere I saw desserts.
Name I -- Major-General Clare -- negro Jamie Man.
Tennis set won now Tess in net.
Ewer of miry rim for ewe.
Sh! Tom sees moths.
No misses ordered roses, Simon.
"Stop, Syrian, I start at rats in airy spots"
I, Marian, I too fall; a foot-in-air am I.
Evade me, Dave.
Delia's debonair dahlias, poor, drop, or droop. Sail, Hadrian; Obed sailed.
No ham came, sir, now siege is won. Rise, MacMahon.
Now Ned, I am a maiden nun; Ned, I am a maiden won.
Ten animals I slam in a net.
Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?
Go hang a salami in a ladagna hog.
Di, did I as I said I did?
Milestones? Oh, 'twas I saw those, not Selim.
No, it's a bar of gold, a bad log for a bastion.
"Naomi, sex at noon taxes", I moan.
Snug & raw was I ere I saw war & guns.
Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
Live was I ere I saw evil.
Red now on level -- no wonder.
Stop! Murder us not tonsured rumpots!
Step on hose-pipes? Oh no, pets.
Stiff, o dairyman, in a myriad of fits.
To nets, ah, no, son, haste not.
Dennis, no misfit can act if Simon sinned.
Revered now I live on. O did I do no evil, I wonder ever?
Sore was I ere I saw Eros.
Noel, lets egg Estelle on.
In a regal age ran I.
"Novrad," sides reversed, is "Darvon."
Name now one man.
Dennis and Edna sinned.
Nora, alert, saws goldenrod-adorned logs, wastrel Aaron!
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
Deliver, Eva, him I have reviled.
Damosel, a poem? A carol? Or a cameo pale? (So mad!)
Doom an evil deed, liven a mood.
God, a red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Nurse's onset abates, noses run.
Roy, am I mayor?
Ron, Eton mistress asserts I'm no tenor.
I tip away a wapiti.
Adelberta was I ere I saw a trebled "A".
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
Moorgate got nine men in to get a groom.
Repel evil as a live leper.
Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?
Did Hannah say as Hannah did?
Goddesses so pay a possessed dog.
Eva, Lave!
Ah, Satan sees Natasha.
Do Good's deeds live on? No, Evil's deeds do, O God.
Madame, not one man is selfless; I name not one Madam.
Dora tended net, a rod.
Golf, No, sir, prefer prison flog.
Nella risks all: "I will ask Sir Allen."
Now do I report "Sea Moth" to Maestro, period? Won.
Selim's tired, no wonder, it's miles.
"So I darn on," a Canon radios.
War-distended nets I draw.
Stephen, my hat! Ah, what a hymn, eh, pets?
Mad Zeus, no live devil, lived evil on Suez dam.
Bog dirt up a sidetrack carted is a putrid gob.
Mad? Am I, madam?
Madam, in Eden I'm Adam!
Ward nurses run "draw."
Live dirt up a sidetrack carted is a putrid evil.
Oh who was it I saw, oh who?
"Reviled did I live," said I, "as evil I did deliver."
Live was I ere I saw Evil.
Pull up, Eva, we're here, wave, pull up.
Revolt on Yale, Democrats edit "Noon-Tide Star." Come, delay not lover.
Won race, so loth to lose car now.
No, it never propagates if I set a "gap" or prevention.
Delia sailed, Eva waved, Elias ailed.
I maim nine more hero-men in Miami.
Rise, morning is red, no wonder-sign in Rome, Sir.
Emil asleep, Allen yodelled "Oy." Nella peels a lime.
No. I save on final perusal, a sure plan if no evasion.
Yreka Bakery.
He lived as a devil, eh?
I saw thee, madame, eh? 'Twas I.
Dior Droid.
Regard a mere mad rager.
I saw desserts; I'd no lemons, alas no melon. Distressed was I.
A dog! A panic in a pagoda!
Yawn a more Roman way.
Semite, be sure! Damn a man-made ruse betimes.
Pull up if I pull up.
Able was I ere I saw Elba.
Eve saw diamond, erred, no maid was Eve.
"Slang is not suet, is it?" Euston signals.
I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
Pa's a sap.
No, miss, it is Simon.
Step on no pets!
Niagara, O roar again!
Lewd did I live; evil I did dwel.
Too bad, I hid a boot.
"Rats gnash teeth," sang Star.
Lapp, Mac? No, sir, prison-camp pal.
Tide-net safe, soon, Allin. A manilla noose fastened it.
I moan, Naomi.
Too far away, no mere clay or royal ceremony, a war afoot.
Rats live on no evil star.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

and lets not forget

Deer frisk, sir, freed.
I did roar again, Niagara! ... or did I?
No evil Shahs live on.
O gnats, tango!
Stop, Syrian, I start at rats in airy spots.
"Not New York," Roy went on.
"Norah's moods," Naomi moans, "doom Sharon."
Eva, can I pose as Aesop in a cave?
Trade ye no mere moneyed art.
Was it a rat I saw?
Help Max, Enid -- in example, "H."
So may Obadiah, even in Nineveh, aid a boy, Amos.
See, slave, I demonstrate yet arts no medieval sees.
Egad, a base tone denotes a bad age.
Lew, Otto has a hot towel.
"Warden in a Cap," Mac's pup scamp, a canine draw.
Paget saw an inn in a waste gap.
A **** nixes sex in Tulsa.
Must sell at tallest sum.
Naomi, did I moan?
Drab Red, no londer bard.
Revenge my baby, meg? Never!
Stop, Syrian, I see bees in airy spots.
Did I do, O God, did I as I said I'd do? Good, I did!
Pusillanimity obsesses Boy Tim in "All Is Up."
Refasten Gipsy's pig-net safer.
Pat and Edna tap.
Adam, I'm Ada!
Ma is as selfless as I am.
Poor Dan is in a droop.
Leon sees Noel.
So may Obadiah aid a boy, Amos.
Sis, Sargasso moss a grass is.
Now, Ned, I am a maiden won.
I moan, "Live on, O evil Naomi!"
Delia and Edna ailed.
So remain a mere man. I am Eros.
No lemons, no melon.
Never odd or even.
Rise, sir lapdog! Revolt, lover! God, pal, rise, sir!
Ah, Aristides opposed it, sir, aha!
Ma is a nun, as I am.
Madam, I'm Adam.
Star? Come, Donna Melba, I'm an amiable man -- no Democrats!
We'll let Dad tell Lew.
No, it is opposition.
No benison, no sin, Ebon.
Ladle histolytic city lots I held, Al.
Harass selfless Sarah!
Ten? No bass orchestra tarts, eh? Cross a bonnet!
Si, we'll let Dad tell Lewis.
In airy Sahara's level, Sarah, a Syrian, I.
Nor I, fool, ah no? We won halo -- of iron.
We seven, Eve, sew.
Peel's lager on red rum did murder no regal sleep.
"Go, droop aloof," sides reversed, is "fool a poor dog."
Sir, I soon saw Bob was no Osiris.
St. Eloi, venin saved a mad Eva's nine violets.
Here so long? No loser, eh?
Flee to me, remote elf.
Six at party, no pony-trap, taxis.
Drab as a fool, as aloof as a bard.
Red? Rum, eh? 'Twas I saw the murder.
Pull a bat! I held a ladle, hit a ball up.
No, Hal, I led Delilah on.
Nomists reign at Tangier, St. Simon.
Nemo, we revere women.
Harass sensuousness, Sarah.
Are we not, Rae, near to new era?
Red root put up to order.
"Sal is not in?" Ruth asks. "Ah, turn it on, Silas."
Retracting, I sign it, Carter.
A Toyota.
He won a Toyota now, eh?
Gate-man sees name, garage-man sees name-tag.
Live not on evil.
Nella won't set a test now, Allen.
Ha! I rush to my lion oily moths, Uriah!
Live dirt, up a side-track carted, is a putrid evil.
Dog, as a devil deified, lived as a god.
Not so, Boston.


can't think of any more.....:smilewinkgrin:
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

lol tooshay, i just copy and pasted though as i thought it was funny
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

and they say you couldnt bottle it.jpgbegone I say.jpgdoes marie know about this.jpgNot to be confused with hetero sausage.jpgso refreshing.jpgwack off.jpg Just bored and got sent some funny pics
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

@ces

lol, that bog roll is 100 percent recycled ( if you buy it you best hope that '****begone')

good laugh that mate
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wtf i've been asterisked out......its the name of the damn product lmao
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife.

- No darling, we can't do it here, what if the kid wakes up?
- You are right, lets go to the beach.

They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them.

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don't worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this tart making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.​
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

ANNUAL
BELLY-BUTTON JEWELLERY CONTEST
.... AND THE WINNER IS?
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FLORIDA
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attachment.php

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A Very Close 2nd Place ! is...................










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attachment.php
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

try right cliciking over it and click show picture
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that don't work either, says invalid attachment
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

can you see them now ?
 

Attachments

  • florida.jpg
    florida.jpg
    65.5 KB · Views: 45
  • manchester.jpg
    manchester.jpg
    71.2 KB · Views: 42
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Which one is the Manchester' s one ?
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

well ive booked a one way ticket to florida , put it that way
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i did 3 year ago and look where thats got me
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

a plumber swops his wifes tampons for some party poppers well she says shes got a good sense of humour
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Take That.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Guy walks in to a chemist n says to the man behind the counter
"ive got dinner tonight with my girlfriend i need to buy a condom. actually give me 3, her sisters the bomb and her mums still sexy"

in the middle of having dinner that night the girlfriends dad walks in. the guy immediatly bows his head and starts praying.
girlfriend says to him "i didnt know you were religious"
guy replies "i didnt know your dad was a chemist!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

nick clegg and david cameron were standing outside a school with a dog when they noticed all the children coming out and lifting up the dogs tail. Nick Clegg asked one of the boys "why are you doing this to the dog?" the boy replied "we got told there was a dog out here with 2 arseholes"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

lying in bed with the wife i looked into her eyes and said "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery"
"is that because i'm worth millions to you " she said.
"no" i said "i wish you'd f***ing roll over"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

281205_253539421323436_253534294657282_1147128_7030010_n.jpg ever fitted one of these before ?? lol
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

<img id="vbattach_3660" class="previewthumb" alt="" src="http://www.ukplumbersforums.co.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=3660&amp;stc=1" attachmentid="3660">&nbsp;ever fitted one of these before ?? lol
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00"
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses
"Yes" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you"
"I was wondering" whispers the man "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes" she purrs. "Indeed I am"
The man replies "Well go and wash your hands I want a cheese sandwich"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just saw a fat ginger bird buying a rape alarm. You gotta admire her optimism!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Spreading my arse cheeks, I said to my doctor, "Do you think those are piles hanging out my arse?"

He said, "Would you mind making an appointment to see me next week. I'm having a meal with my wife at the moment."
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I went to see a doctor about a rash on my balls
The doctor said "You'll have to stop w@nking."
"why's that?" I asked
"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wife comes out of the shower with a glint in her eye and says to me, i've just trimmed my ***** and you know what that means??
i sighed and said you've blocked the f-ing trap up again. i'll go and get my plunger
 
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